Why and How to Stop Being Too Nice - Massimo Montone | Consultant | Coach | Advisor

Why and How to Stop Being Too Nice

What aches more than having done one wrong thing to the right person is having done many right things for the wrong person!


Confused? Read it again - it totally makes sense! Sometimes the problem with some people is that they are too nice. They are the first ones to rush to help, the first ones to back someone up, the first ones to lend someone a shoulder to cry on... They are always there when people want them. Does that define who you are? Join the club! There is nothing wrong іn being nice to people; co-operation is not just something we were brought up to believe in, co-operation has evolved іn the human race. But what's wrong is being too nice too often, or rather ALL THE TIME; for the wrong people, and for the wrong reasons.

So what are the wrong people and what are the wrong reasons? And most importantly, why is it wrong? And how to stop doing it? This article will help you through all these questions.

Why Should You Stop Being Too Nice

The majority of us are nice to others because we like to believe in the good in people, because doing things for people you care for makes us feel good, and because we really like to help people out. But often this nature of ours lands us into trouble, because we end up being too good for our own good! It is never a good idea to let people walk all over you and take advantage of you. Just as much as you should help people around you, you should also have at least a handful of people YOU can count on in life. If your whole life is spent doing things for everyone aroudn you, where is the time for yourself?

I will answer th previous couple of questions here. Who are the wrong people to be nice to? The wrong people are thise who are thankless about what you do for them. And what is the wrong reason? The wrong reason is when you are nice to people so taht they thank you. Or so that they accept you. It may seem absurd, but a few people round us are nice to others because they like the 'Oh everybody needs me; nobody can do a thing without me; I am so important; I am the best; the world would end if I stop doing things for people' feeling. They feel superior when they help others out. This is NEVER the right reason to help someone out or be nice to them. At the same time if you are being nice to people only to raise your social standing and make people accept and like you, that isn't a good idea either.

There are some people who are completely selfless and for who being nice is a way of life. They are the Jamie Sullivans of the society. But if you are not really a 'Jamie Sullivan' but just a nice helpful friend, then youu are going to get tired of being SO nice to everyone at some point of time; you being nice may then actually backfire at you. You may become rebellious and want to be anything but nice to people. But people round you are not going to like this! They will have become so habituated to you being nice that they are not going to realize that it was not the right thing to take you for granted in the first place. And all this emotional chaos is going to leave you feeling exhausted, defeated, and really miserable. And believe me when I say this, this reallu does happen. And it feels pathetic to be in such a situation. 

How to Stop Being Too Nice

It is not as difficult as it seems. In one line, the first and foremost thing you should do is make people - including your family, your relatives, your friends, your colleagues, your superiors - realize, in the best way possible, that you cannot be available for them every single time they need you. You are an individual too, and you have your own life, your own likes-dislikes, your own set of things you have to, need to or want to do everyday. The following tips may help you put your foot down, without stamping on anyone else's!

Smile and Say 'No'

No. No. No No No. See? You said it so many times right now, right? Now look in the mirror and say 'no' to yourself. Look yourself in the eye, and say 'no'. You could, right? So why shouldn't you be able to say it to people? Begin wіth friends, or people you are most comfortable with - your family, relatives, maybe even your boyfriend girlfriend. Then move on to those your are less familiar with - your peers, your colleagues, your superiors. Do not say 'no' in a disrespectful or rebellious manner. Say it confidently, say it genuinely. And most importantly, say it with a smile!

Stand Up for Yourself

Do not expect other people to salvage you. Do not expect someone to butt in and save people from taking advantage of you. Just the way you tell your Mom when you are hungry, or tell your brother when you want to rest and be left alone for a while, tell your friend you can't drop of the parcel for him/her at the courier guy. If you are about to hit the sack and your friend calls you up and wants you to help him/her out with a presentation, don't stay up against your will and do it. Tell them you have had a long day and really need to rest.


Divide and prioritize things in your life - and stick to your priorities. Do not change them just because someone else thinks they are wrong. If your boyfriend/girlfriend or partner is your priority, let that be your choice, and not his/her wish or command! Being too nice in any kind of relationship - romantic or otherwise - is not the way to make it work. A relationship can work only if both try to make it work. Do not blame yourself if goes kaput. Know what you did to make it work, and have faith in your efforts and in yourself.


You Before The World

Prioritize, yes. But at least once in a while, put yourself before the world! You before your children, you before your husband, you before you relatives, you before your friends, you before anybody and everybody. At least do ONE thing in the day that is completely for yourself, because YOU want to do it. Take a walk, go shopping, go to the movies, join a book-club, take dance lessons, learn a foreign language, anything... But let it be YOUR hour of the day.


Love Yourself

Love yourself - absolutely, unconditionally, sincerely! Pamper yourself with a gift once in a while. And do it without feeling guilty. Do not let anyone encroach upon your personal time, your emotions, YOU. And do not feel obliged to be nice to people all the time - instead feel obliged to be nice to yourself once in a while.

Always remember - the minute you settle for less in life, you get less than what you settled for. The world was here before you, it doesn't owe you anything. But that doesn't mean you owe everything to the world eitherr. Learn the difference betweenn being nice and being too nice, and choose to stop being too nice - it is for your own good.

Massimo Montone

Massimo made the progression from direct restaurant operations into a consultancy role so that he could work with a diverse portfolio of businesses – he thrives on new challenges and meeting interesting people, with creative ideas. Massimo felt there was a missing element within the industry, where smaller brands and hospitality businesses could benefit from having the experience of an operational team, without investing in an in-house ‘head office.

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